No, I am not putting you in the corner because you looked at me funny. No, I am not giving you the best table in the house because I think your boyfriend is hot. Your seat is based on server section rotation, upcoming reservations and let me see… RESTAURANT POLICIES! There is a very strategic reasons why you are seated where you are and if you ask to sit somewhere else after we seat you; you’re gonna have a bad time.

All I want to do is say Hello. Maybe I want to tell you my name so you don’t snap your fingers at me all night. HEY! Maybe there’s even a kick-ass special about to roll off my tongue, but all you want is your water with extra lemon and no ice. Fine, I guess you didn’t want our Surf & Turf All You Can Eat for $10. FINE.

First, if you’re in a rush – should you really be coming in here for a sit down dinner? Is that some sick joke you like to play on waitstaff? Just kidding. IF YOU DO happen to want to eat at a nice restaurant before your movie begins, please tell us as soon as you arrive. Why? A little thing called communication with the kitchen will get your food to your table in time and your ass out of my section. Thank you kindly.

As a lady, I am completely aware of the torture that dawns on us when asked to decide what we’d like to eat. It’s KIND OF a big deal. However, if you call a waiter over to say you’re ready to order when you’re clearly not – you my friend are playing the part of the boy who cried wolf and you might have just become your servers least favourite table. Please realize that there are 11 other tables in my section who have their shit together. Thanks for nothing.

First things first – you shouldn’t leave the house if you aren’t comfortable making eye contact with people. Secondly, your eye contact shows respect to your server, and you are less likely to have to repeat yourself when you actually look at the person who you’re talking to.Communication 101; who knew?!

I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I look better than you. I’m sorry I’m not sorry that your boyfriend makes eye contact with me when I speak and you don’t know how to. I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I don’t mean anything I just said. Ladies and gentlemen – we servers make a living off being friendly, polite, charming, funny and ridiculously good looking. So please, if we’re flirting – it’s because we think they’re paying.

This goes for girlfriends and customers! If you have concerns as a customer, it is your right to voice them. Allergies? Check. Hold the sour cream? Check. The busboy didn’t bring you your salad? OK, I’m on it! Your steak was overcooked? I’ll have a replacement up ASAP. Incidents like these can be corrected or avoided if you voice your concerns early. It’s too late to tell me about your wife’s shellfish allergy when she is face down in her clam chowder. You do the math.

We understand if you want to substitute fries for veggies, or if you prefer swiss cheese to cheddar. No problemo sénior! Oh, you’re just “trying out” the gluten free thing? Okay… but within reason. When you’re combining multiple ingredients from different meals to make something specific that YOU want during rush hour- you need to seriously consider staying home and cooking for yourself. This isn’t a buffet, our menu is our menu because we know what the fuck we’re doing.

You want a round of free shots? You want that first beer free for being such an easy customer? K, I want you to tip me $1000 because I managed to not swear at you for that ridiculous request. Many customers assume it’s easy for servers to hand out a free round of shots or take one beer off your bill. Your order is put into a computer BEFORE it is made and so that it CAN be made. Voiding your drink is not an option because it requires a reason and I am not willing to use my genius excuses on a random customer. Go pay for your own drinks or go somewhere where you actually know someone… Who knows someone, who knows someone who might be able to “hook it up”.

SAY WHAAA? There are a few team members involved in your experience at our restaurant. There’s a Hostess, your Server, Bussing Staff, a Bartender, and a few Chefs in the kitchen. We all work as a team! But shhhh, it’s a secret. So if you think about it, it is not my fault that your drink is late and it is not my fault that your potatoes aren’t creamy enough. However, it is my fault if I forgot to communicate a specific detail. THAT BEING SAID…. Understand that other members of our team are responsible for mistakes as well, rather than just throwing shade on your server because your medium-rare steak isn’t medium-rare enough for you.

We already know this position isn’t the most glorious job on the planet. Some of us love it, some of us hate it. Others do it to get by and couldn’t care less. But if you think it is ACTUALLY OKAY to snap, whistle, wave, or touch your server to get their attention – you best check yourself before you wreck yourself. Can you spell D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T? This makes your server feel incredibly belittled and like a servant. We tell you our name so you can use it, see number 2 for a refresher.

I would hope that this one is self explanatory…..

Busy and crowded restaurants with hot food and heavy plates may not mix well with little creatures crawling on the floor and running through the aisles. Your children are cute, but a lawsuit is not. Keep those little bastards on a leash if you have to.

Yes, there are the sneaky ones who go to the bathroom 34 times a shift to avoid those in-between tasks. Yes there are the ones who say they finished their “stuff” and then spend their time texting in the back. However, most of us are always multitasking. You mean, there are other things you do besides feed customers and take away our dirty plates? Servers have a shitload of side duties that managers constantly wonder why we can’t finish. So when we aren’t visible on the floor, it’s not because we’re shooting the shit.

Okay, so we’re like, done eating and don’t want to buy anything else. We just wanna like, camp here for another hour and work on our fucking scrapbooks (no joke this happened once).? Okay, great! Technically, you have every right to take your time and enjoy yourself when you are out to eat. But please, PLEASE be aware that the longer you camp out after a meal, the more time you are taking away from another hungry family full of tips.. So I mean, unless you plan on tipping over 20 percent – go have a staring contest at the cafe down the street where they don’t rely on tips. TIME IS MONEY PEOPLE!

Customers tend to only write reviews about their dining experience when they want to trash a restaurant about their cold soup experience. BUT! What about the good shit? Customers rarely go out of their way to applaud great service. Yes, good service is something you should always come by, but YOU DON’T – so appreciate it when you get it. When a manager reads nice things about one of their servers, they are rewarded appropriately and it makes them actually appreciate the job.

This ain’t my day job, my night job, or my part-time job, it’s my weekend job atop the other 3 I have, so don’t treat me any lesser than you because I’m taking your order. For many servers, this job is simply temporary or is a “survival” job to help pay for school, rent, or what have you. Why not take a moment to ask your server a question about their life instead of sitting there and judging them?

I don’t EVEN want to have to explain this one. Servers make less than minimum wage in light of our tips. OUR WAGE is actually based on the notion that WE WILL GET TIPPED. Can it be any clearer than that? We appreciate 20 percent because we kick ass at our job, but will expect at least 15 percent because we kick ass at our job. If you a) cannot afford to tip the appropriate percentage of your bill – McDonalds has a great dollar menu. . If you b) do not believe in tipping – go back to Europe.

Thanks so much for that $8 on your $120 bill. I’ll see all $3 of it after I tip out to the Bartender, Kitchen, Bussing Staff, and Hostess. Keep this tip-out in mind when deciding your percentage at the end of the meal. Oh, and don’t forget to thoroughly execute the directions from number 18b if you didn’t plan on tipping in the first place.

If you are the only customers for your server at the end of the night, don’t be the last lingerer! You are the sole reason your server is still at the restaurant, so please recognize this and close your tab. You can still move to the bar. Your server will get to go home happy and their faith in humanity will have been restored.

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